im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
