I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
