It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
