my phone needs a breathalizer
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
