see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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