If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
