I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
