Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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