Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
