I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
