i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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