he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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