I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
