even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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