i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
