Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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