I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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