dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
