He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
