12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
