I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
