Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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