I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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