my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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