Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
