Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
