Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
