Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
