The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
