They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
