This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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