i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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