Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
