69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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