Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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