Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
