did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Randomize
