Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
