I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
