We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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