Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
