my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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