I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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