Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
