Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
