one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
