Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
