just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
