Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
