allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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