You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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