he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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