If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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