if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
