I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
