I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Even my vagina gasped.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
