dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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