I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize