I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize